Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Let’s talk about anxiety and panic attacks. Have you ever had either before? Yea, me neither before July 26th, 2018. That was the day that Nico had a febrile seizure. An anxiety or panic attack very much resembles a heart attack with its symptoms. Doctors told me time and time again that most people who are experiencing their first panic or anxiety attack think they are having a heart attack. Symptoms for a panic or anxiety attack include: racing heart, feeling weak, faint, or dizzy, tingling or numbness in hands or fingers, sense of terror, feeling sweaty or having chills, chest pain, or breathing difficulties, and feeling a loss of control.  

Two nights before we left Charleston for Italy, I was standing in the kitchen talking to David, Ben, and Marcia about my fears of traveling with Nico because of the seizure he had. I was super excited about all of my purple matching luggage and they were making jokes about that. Then we switched conversations and right in the middle of it my chest started hurting and I got very light headed, I explained that I felt like I was about to pass out. Marcia told me to lay on the couch and take one of the anxiety pills that the doctor gave me a few days prior. She was texting her son who is a doctor and telling him what was going on. Of course he couldn't and wouldn’t diagnose me without seeing me and just told us to keep watch on my symptoms for an hour. After an hour my chest kept getting hot, then I would get light headed, break out in sweats, then be freezing, and then my body started to shake. Kind of like how you feel when you are fighting off flu symptoms but then add tight chest pains and fear since you know it’s not the flu. I had David drive me to the ER at about 10pm that night. We get there and tell them all of my symptoms and they run every test possible since I showed up with chest pain. They diagnosed me with some PTSD from Nico’s seizure. PTSD is also known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. After reading about the symptoms of PTSD this totally describes how I felt. I would get so upset anytime one of the other children would talk about Nico's seizure. It made me so sick and would cause me to worry about it happening again. Here is some information about PTSD straight from the WEBMD website https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-are-symptoms-ptsd

What Are Symptoms of PTSD?

You thought it was behind you. When time passes after a traumatic event, it's natural to think your mind and body have healed and moved on. But symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can pop up months or even years later.

Unlike a rash or broken arm, PTSD can be tough to identify, especially when it's happening in your own mind. Though it can look and feel like depression or rage, PTSD is different. And it can affect everything from the way you sleep to your relationships at home and work.

If you see yourself in any of these symptoms, check with your doctor for a diagnosis.

Memories

Whether you're thinking about it or not, memories of the traumatic event can come back to bother you. You may experience them in your sleep as nightmares or during the day as flashbacks. That means you relive the event as if it's happening for the first time.

Both can cause you to feel anxious, afraid, guilty, or suspicious. These emotions may play out physically in the form of chills, shaking, headaches, heart palpitations, and panic attacks.

Avoidance

You don't want to think about it. You don't want to talk about it. You steer clear of everyone and everything that reminds you of the event, including places and activities.

Avoidance can also mean staying away from people in general -- not just the ones connected with the event. This can cause you to feel detached and alone.

Behavior Changes

Doctors call these “arousal symptoms.” They can make your emotions more intense or make you react differently than you normally would. For example, if you're a careful driver, you might start driving too fast or be super-aggressive on the road. Irrational, angry outbursts are very common.

Many find it hard to focus. Feelings of danger and being under attack can ruin concentration and keep you from finishing tasks you do every day. This can also lead to trouble sleeping, whether you're having nightmares or not.

Mood Swings

PTSD doesn't always come with clues like nightmares and flashbacks. Sometimes it seems like a mood change unrelated to the traumatic event.

You'll know it by its negativity. You may feel hopeless, numb, or bad about yourself or others. Thoughts of suicide can come and go. Deep feelings of guilt and shame are common, as well.

Activities you normally enjoy may not interest you anymore. Your motivation to maintain relationships with close friends and family could be low.

The PTSD was causing me to have panic attacks that I couldn’t get under control. I mentioned that I had anxiety medicine that a doctor issued me a few days prior, at that same visit to the urgent care that doctor gave me some antidepressants. One was for short term and the other for long term to get me through the flight and at least the first month in Italy, until I could get to my primary care doctor. I am so thankful that we have doctors and medicine. There is no way I would be where I am today without them. I could recognize something wasn’t right with me and knew I needed help which is why I went to urgent care when I did. I had at least one panic/anxiety attack everyday since the day Nico had his seizure. The first week in Italy was horrible for me. I couldn’t function anything like myself, and by this I mean I was paralyzed with fear. Fear took over every thought and decision. Maybe the second night we were there in the TLF (temporary living facility/hotel) I was trying to calm myself by reading my Bible having one panic attack after another. I was praying and praying for them to stop long enough for me to just go to sleep. I knew I couldn’t go to a hospital because I knew it was just another panic attack. So I prayed and prayed, and read my Bible, and began concentrating on my breathing. After an hour or two I was able to calm myself and get some sleep. The next day we were supposed to go to an orientation at Mateo’s new school. We loaded up in the car and the whole family headed that way. David and I got out of the car before the children and I went up to him and said “I can’t do this, I can’t go in there.” He said okay then we don’t have to go. I explained that I didn’t know how to function anymore and that I needed help. I was anxious about situations that I have never in my life been anxious about. He went to mental health on the base and made an appointment and dropped me off so I could talk to them. It happened so fast but that's because David knew I needed help right then. I had no idea what they were going to do for me or how it was going to help but I knew at this point anything and everyone were only going to try and help me get better. This was the best thing that could have ever happened to me and for me and my family. I went there and talked to a few different people. I cried and cried and cried. I let everything out that I was trying so hard to hold in for so long. I didn’t realize that through everything that happened I never really let any of it out. I had to be strong for a year while David was away in Turkey. I had to hold it together and pack up my family and my house. I had to sell the house. There were so many things I had to do. I am not complaining I wanted to do all of them. But through it I just kept pushing forward. If I hit an obstacle I would pray about it, ask for help, and just keep moving forward. There was no time to stop or go backwards. At my appointment with the mental health clinic they too said I had PTSD. They told me to immediately make an appointment with my primary care doctor here in Italy and talk to him about my medicine that I was currently taking. When I called the appointment line to make that appointment they said there was nothing available for about two weeks. I explained what was going on briefly to the woman on the other end of the phone. She was extremely empathetic with all that I was going through, asked to put me on hold, and then came back on the phone and asked if I could be there the next morning. Of course! This was the nicest person I have ever spoken to on the Tricare appointment line. 

This is not just good luck friends, this is God. God shines through always. I went to the appointment with my primary care doctor he immediately changed my meds. I haven’t had a panic or anxiety attack since that day. He sat and listened to all of my concerns. He knows I don’t want to be on anything long term but I need something to get me through these next few months while we get settled here in Italy and my fears dwindle (notice I didn’t say disappear because they never will fully go away). We did a dry run to the local ER here in Italy and this helped to really calm my nerves as well. Just knowing where it is and that it wasn’t far made me feel like I wasn’t lost in this big country with no help. There have been a few people praying through all of this with me. I know that no one except my family can physically be here for me but I haven’t felt alone through any of it. The last two weeks have been great. I have been able to function and enjoy life like I did before my sweet boys seizure. I am driving by myself, which was a huge anxiety when I first got here. I didn’t drive at all those first two weeks. David even bought a car and asked if I wanted to test drive it, but of course I didn’t because fear stopped me in my tracks. I love that I am feeling more like myself with each new day. I am so blessed to have the family that I do. I am thankful for the mental health clinic and the physicians stationed here in Italy. They have helped me through one of the toughest times in my life. 

It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to feel broken. It’s okay to be scared. I want you all to know that not one time did I ever feel like I wanted to hurt myself or others. This isn’t the only reason the military has a mental health clinic. The doctors told me that this is one of the hardest bases to come and transition to. I started back at the gym this week, I have only been one other time since Nico’s seizure, before then I was going 5 days a week. Out of both fear of leaving Nico and because I had no drive to go to the gym. It felt great working out today. Please friends and family when you feel like you are alone or drowning in this big world know that you are not alone. You are loved. You are loved by me. You are loved by God. There is zero shame in asking for help. Once you ask for help please follow through and get it. I feel like I need to share my journey because there are people that will read this and maybe gain strength to seek the help they need so they can be the person God intended them to be. People always tell me I am like a super mom or super woman or Wonder Woman, but I am not. God gave me hobbies and talents as a child and then gave me gifts as and adult and now as a parent. My gifts are my strengths and they make me who I am today. I was strong for so long on the outside and I can’t stress it enough how much better I am doing in just two short weeks. Thanks for reading!! 

Note: You can read any of my past blogs with this same link. Over on the right side of the page scroll up or down and select the year and then the particular blog you would like to read.