I am human.....

It has been almost a month since my last blog, with the exception of posting my testimony. This past month has been very tiring, emotionally draining, and I haven’t had much to say to anyone unless it was negative. My month started off by Danielle’s mom showing up out of the blue, after receiving an anonymous call from what we now know is a family member, stating false accusations about myself physically abusing Danielle. This one thing alone tore me to pieces. There were more accusations from that day about me pulling my gun and attempting to hit her mom with my car. These accusations just added to my pain and broken heart. By the end of that day Danielle had to go back to Arizona with her mom and I wasn't allowed to see her off how her little heart deserved. I didn't sleep for several nights after this incident. I ended up in the emergency room with an upper respiratory infection and bronchitis.

A few days later, David received a call from Family Advocacy with the Air Force. They stated that David and I would have an appointment with them the following week, but didn't state what about. We truly thought it was the Air Force just trying to be proactive in getting our family counseling if we needed it. We show up to the appointment to find out the real reason we were there. There was an anonymous call put into DSS stating that I poured liquid soap down both kids’ throats and made them swallow it. Now my already broken heart is just getting pounded in the ground. This is so hurtful and sickening to hear. Why would someone do this to me? Why would someone think it is ok to lie? This is something that not only can make me lose my kids, but could affect David’s career in the Air Force. At this meeting we answer a lot of questions both on paper and in a face to face conference. We were then informed that DSS would have to talk with us as well. Both Family Advocacy with the Air Force and DSS will open a case on us, do their own investigating, compare stories, and then we will have a hearing in June.

For the first week after this all happened I was trying to play out each scenario both good and bad. I thought for many hours about what would happen, what could happen, and what actually is happening. These events truly make me miss my past church family. This will lead us into the rest of my month.

I was saved at Faith Assembly in the summer of 2011. Since that day I was always surrounded by such peace, joy, love, new friendships, great midweek Bible studies, Sermons on Sunday mornings, and classes to further your education about God on Sunday evenings. I don’t feel much of this right now. I am definitely not saying I don’t feel the presence of God or the Holy Spirit. I am saying I don’t feel that camaraderie right now. I don’t have that midweek Bible Study. For those of you that have never had this, oh my, you don’t know what you are missing. This isn't just a Bible Study; this is an extension to your church and family. These people know you, and you know them. They pray at the beginning and end of our time together, and never hesitate to pick up the phone to check on you throughout the week. These people opened their homes up to anyone. I remember the first time David asked me if I would like to go to a life group with him one Wednesday, I said sure and later felt very overwhelmed. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know if people were going to judge me because I couldn't answer questions about the Bible or God. I will say this, being that I was a very new Christian, I was extremely nervous walking in, but have never felt that kind of immediate love from a group of people.

Things in my life started changing about 2 weeks ago. I am still studying God’s word daily. I am still keeping up my duties as both wife and mother. But I started to realize something is missing. I am becoming more selfish than I have been in the last two years. I am unable to please. Everything that people say to me, I take wrong, get offended, or just don’t even want to listen to. I have been short, judgmental, unloving, angry, bitter, opened my ears for gossip, and even at times jealous. These are things that I haven’t felt since I became Christian 2 years ago. I can’t pinpoint one thing, one person, or one event that has brought me here today. I do know that God has been with me even through all of this. I pray long and hard that God will forgive me. I have never claimed to be the perfect wife, mother, friend, Christian, or neighbor. I do know that as a Christian I am being watched by others and held to a different standard. I feel I have slipped away from so much, and that is where the devil creeps in. I have said things I later wish I could take back. I have been hurtful to some people that I am closest to. I haven't been as close with God like I know I want to be. Tomorrow is a new day, I will continue to study God’s word, and focus on those areas that I am weak.

What the Bible says about my weaknesses:

*Being Judgmental:

¹“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:1-5

*Being Unloving:

They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good.

2 Timothy 3:3

*Being Angry:

¹⁹Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. ²⁰Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.

James 2:19-20

*Being bitter:

Therefore I will not refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.

Job 7:11

*Gossip:

Fire goes out without wood, and quarrels disappear when gossip stops.

Proverbs 26:20

*Jealous

But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying.

James 3:14

My Testimony (Allison)

     I didn’t grow up in a church. My family occasionally attended church on the military base on Sunday mornings. I never heard my family speak of Jesus or try and teach me anything about our God and how great He is. I would attend friends’ youth groups on Wednesday nights at several different churches. My journey began in the beginning of 2011. I was single, looking to meet a good guy, a mother of a then 1 ½ year old beautiful boy named Mateo, was living with friends, and had a steady job.

     I was browsing the online dating sites for men; it was almost like going into a restaurant: you read the descriptions, hope their pictures are recent and real, and then choose who you think would be the best match for you. You send out a message and hope that you get a response. I met David; according to his profile, we had a lot in common. We sent emails back and forth for a few days, and then we decided to meet. My son had gone to my parents in Florida that weekend.

     Our first date was on Friday April 22, 2011. We went to the River dog’s baseball game, had a few beers, lots of great conversation, and then went to eat at Pita Pit - which by the way, that was one of my favorite places to grab food when I was downtown, and this was the place he suggested - I thought, wow this guy is great!! After eating we went to a local dance club, had another drink and danced the night away. I had the best first date that I had ever had. I thought, “This guy is perfect.” We continued to hang out through the weekend. Saturday, we grilled out and spent the day by the pool.

Then came the question: he asked me to go to Church for Easter Service the next day. I said sure; I didn’t have my son, and wasn’t currently attending church anywhere. He said the Pastor said everyone should try to bring a friend, and he did just that. I really enjoyed the service and thought I would continue to attend church there. I even started volunteering in the nursery once a month. Well after about 2 weeks I got a phone call from David saying this just wasn’t working out; I even remember him saying that he can’t control his fleshly desires. At the time, I had no idea what went wrong and what that statement even meant. I know it had only been 2 weeks, but I was crushed; this was the best first date I had ever had.

     I continued my journey at that church. I soon decided I wanted a Bible, so I went to Barnes and Noble and stood on that aisle looking at the variety of Bibles for about an hour and a ½. I started to get overwhelmed and just picked one and left. Even though David had ended things, I was still going to the church, and he was the only person I felt comfortable with reaching out to with questions about the Bible. He guided me on where would be a good place to start reading, and then when I didn’t understand the passage, or the study notes, I would reach out to him for explanations. After a few weeks with that Bible, I was introduced to the New Living Translation. I explained to David that my version was a little hard to understand and he went Bible shopping with me. Together we picked out what is now my favorite Bible, the NLT Life Applications Study Bible.

     I soon met another guy on the online dating site. He and I hit it off really well. We had a lot of fun with each other; he took to my son Mateo really fast, and it was a relationship in fast forward. He soon started coming to church with me, introduced me to his family, and after a few short months we were talking about moving in together. To me this wasn’t foreign; I didn’t see a problem with living together before you were married. After a few months had past, I gave my roommate notice that I would be moving out the following month. Of course both my roommate and my family tried to talk me out of it, but there was no changing my mind.

     That following Sunday I attended church by myself; for some reason the guy I was seeing was unable to come with me. At the end of the service, just like Pastor Larry did every Sunday, he had an Altar call. I remember standing there and praying and repeating everything he said to say if you wanted to accept Jesus into your life. I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit for the first time. Pastor then suggests those that just accepted Jesus to come to the front so the Pastoral staff can pray with you, and when I went to walk to the front my legs went weak and I had to sit down on the pew. I couldn’t go up there, but I knew something happened. I was filled with so much happiness; I was crying my heart out, and had never felt anything like this before. After that day, my life was changed forever. I dated the same guy for about 2 more weeks, and then had to end it; I knew it wasn’t right in my heart, and that relationship was not what Jesus wanted for me.

     Since being saved, I no longer wanted to drink, cuss, have premarital sex, and definitely wasn’t going to move in with anyone without being married. The friend I was living with and the other friends I had been around the last 10 years noticed my changes. They asked me questions at first, and then they began to pick at little changes - reading the Bible each night instead of going out or watching TV, posting Scripture on my Facebook page instead of encouraging their partying and gossip, etc. One person even said to me, “Oh well why don’t you just beat me with a Bible.” I felt so unwelcome around them. I thought,“Aren’t my closest friends supposed to just be happy for me?” In reality, I changed overnight, and they had no idea what happened or why all of the sudden changes were taking place. I called my dad upset and knew I just had to get out of that living situation, so I moved in with a girlfriend from work. It was the perfect living arrangement for Mateo and I.

     David and I were still friends, and we decided to start going to a life group on Wednesday nights.  My birthday approached, and I had been talking to a guy for maybe two weeks. It wasn’t serious enough for him to plan something for my birthday, so I made plans for Saturday September 3rd with a past boyfriend to go to dinner, and then to a movie with David. Before the movie started, David started talking about relationships, trying to get a feel for how I felt about them and if I wanted one.

     Wednesday, September 6th, at 4:30 in the morning, I received an email from David sharing how he truly felt about me. When we started dating in September, we discussed premarital sex and agreed we would wait until we were married. This was very hard for both of us, as this wasn’t something either of us had ever done. We had a few slip ups, but we knew we couldn’t allow it to happen anymore, so we stayed strong.

     David proposed to me in my friends’ driveway under the beautiful full moon on Dec 10th 2011. Then, we were married March 18th 2012. Since the summer of 2011 so many things have drastically changed in my life. I do believe that God has blessed our family so much. We continue to grow everyday in both our Faith and our relationship together. I didn’t know I could ever be this happy. I live my life everyday to serve God, and I can’t wait to see where He will use me next.  

What makes you a good mom?

I used to think that because Mateo's nose wasn't dripping with snot when I dropped him off at daycare in the morning that this made me a good mom. But guess what? There was always snot dropping from his nose when I picked him up. I know ridiculous one might think. But us moms know we notice things like this.

I used to think that being a good mom was making sure my sons nails were kept clean and cut so he wouldn't scratch other kids. But guess what? There was always dirt under his nails when I picked him up. He would also find a way to scratch if he really wanted to.

I used to think that I had to get a cute costume to dress Mateo in for Halloween because that is what all moms did. Right? Well, now I have studied and understand the true root of Halloween and our family doesn't celebrate this holiday anymore.

I used to think that being a good mom meant that I wouldn't have to yell or spank. Uh.......
I failed in this area. I do try really hard not to yell, and with lots of prayer, God's grace, and my husband holding me accountable I am slowly changing.

To me, being a good mom is spoken of in Proverbs 31. I know this chapter is mostly about the Wife of Noble Character, but there are things about being a mother that really stand out. Listed below are a few of my favorite verses. I know I am no where close to being the woman described here, but with God's help my heart can be changed so I can be the mom that He created me to be.

She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls. (Proverbs 31:15 NLT)

She is energetic and strong, a hard worker. She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night. Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber. She extends a helping hand to the poor and opens her arms to the needy. She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes. (Proverbs 31:17-21 NLT)

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her: (Proverbs 31:25-28 NLT)

I am learning what goes into being a mom. This will be a daily challenge for the rest of my life. Is there really such a thing as being a good mom? By whose standard are we saying that someone is a good mom? Being the mom God intended each of us to be is what we should strive for, not to be like or better than any other mom. There will be days of laughter, sadness, stress, weakness, love, brutal honesty, sarcasm, rolling of the eyes, death, and many more. Being a mom carries the responsibility of disciplining our children. Being a mom means we must forgive daily what the children did the day before. Being a mom means teaching our children that there is no love greater than the love of God. Seeing our children laugh and smile is God showing me I am doing something right. I love our children and love being a mom, and will never take this opportunity for granted.

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. (Psalms 127:3 NLT)

Moms, you are doing a great job! Whenever doubt creeps in, just pray.