It has been almost a month since
my last blog, with the exception of posting my testimony. This past month has been
very tiring, emotionally draining, and I haven’t had much to say to anyone unless
it was negative. My month started off by Danielle’s mom showing up out of the
blue, after receiving an anonymous call from what we now know is a family
member, stating false accusations about myself physically abusing Danielle.
This one thing alone tore me to pieces. There were more accusations from that
day about me pulling my gun and attempting to hit her mom with my car. These
accusations just added to my pain and broken heart. By the end of that day
Danielle had to go back to Arizona with her mom and I wasn't allowed to see her
off how her little heart deserved. I didn't sleep for several nights after this
incident. I ended up in the emergency room with an upper respiratory infection
and bronchitis.
A few days later, David received
a call from Family Advocacy with the Air Force. They stated that David and I
would have an appointment with them the following week, but didn't state what
about. We truly thought it was the Air Force just trying to be proactive in
getting our family counseling if we needed it. We show up to the appointment to
find out the real reason we were there. There was an anonymous call put into
DSS stating that I poured liquid soap down both kids’ throats and made them swallow
it. Now my already broken heart is just getting pounded in the ground. This is
so hurtful and sickening to hear. Why would someone do this to me? Why would
someone think it is ok to lie? This is something that not only can make me lose
my kids, but could affect David’s career in the Air Force. At this meeting we
answer a lot of questions both on paper and in a face to face conference. We
were then informed that DSS would have to talk with us as well. Both Family
Advocacy with the Air Force and DSS will open a case on us, do their own investigating,
compare stories, and then we will have a hearing in June.
For the first week after this all
happened I was trying to play out each scenario both good and bad. I thought
for many hours about what would happen, what could happen, and what actually is
happening. These events truly make me miss my past church family. This will
lead us into the rest of my month.
I was saved at Faith Assembly in
the summer of 2011. Since that day I was always surrounded by such peace, joy,
love, new friendships, great midweek Bible studies, Sermons on Sunday mornings,
and classes to further your education about God on Sunday evenings. I don’t
feel much of this right now. I am definitely not saying I don’t feel the
presence of God or the Holy Spirit. I am saying I don’t feel that camaraderie
right now. I don’t have that midweek Bible Study. For those of you that have
never had this, oh my, you don’t know what you are missing. This isn't just a
Bible Study; this is an extension to your church and family. These people know
you, and you know them. They pray at the beginning and end of our time
together, and never hesitate to pick up the phone to check on you throughout
the week. These people opened their homes up to anyone. I remember the first
time David asked me if I would like to go to a life group with him one
Wednesday, I said sure and later felt very overwhelmed. I didn't know what to
expect. I didn't know if people were going to judge me because I couldn't
answer questions about the Bible or God. I will say this, being that I was a
very new Christian, I was extremely nervous walking in, but have never felt
that kind of immediate love from a group of people.
Things in my life started changing
about 2 weeks ago. I am still studying God’s word daily. I am still keeping up
my duties as both wife and mother. But I started to realize something is
missing. I am becoming more selfish than I have been in the last two years. I
am unable to please. Everything that people say to me, I take wrong, get
offended, or just don’t even want to listen to. I have been short, judgmental,
unloving, angry, bitter, opened my ears for gossip, and even at times jealous.
These are things that I haven’t felt since I became Christian 2 years ago. I
can’t pinpoint one thing, one person, or one event that has brought me here
today. I do know that God has been with me even through all of this. I pray
long and hard that God will forgive me. I have never claimed to be the perfect
wife, mother, friend, Christian, or neighbor. I do know that as a
Christian I am being watched by others and held to a different standard. I feel
I have slipped away from so much, and that is where the devil creeps in. I have said things I later wish I could take back. I have been hurtful to some people that I am closest to. I haven't been as close with God like I know I want to be. Tomorrow
is a new day, I will continue to study God’s word, and focus on those areas
that I am weak.
What the Bible says about my weaknesses:
*Being Judgmental:
1“Do not judge, or you too
will be judged. 2 For in the same way you
judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be
measured to you.
3 “Why do you look at the
speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in
your own eye? 4 How can you say to your
brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a
plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take
the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the
speck from your brother’s eye.
Matthew
7:1-5
*Being Unloving:
They
will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no
self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good.
2
Timothy 3:3
*Being Angry:
19Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You
must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. 20Human
anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.
James 2:19-20
*Being bitter:
Therefore I will not
refrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in
the bitterness of my soul.
Job 7:11
*Gossip:
Fire goes out
without wood, and quarrels disappear when gossip stops.
Proverbs 26:20
*Jealous
But if you are bitterly jealous and there is selfish ambition
in your heart, don’t cover up the truth with boasting and lying.
James 3:14
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